


The Soul Has Bandaged Moments

by azhdarchidaen



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 14:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6054621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azhdarchidaen/pseuds/azhdarchidaen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, having someone to talk to is scary and healing at the exact same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Soul Has Bandaged Moments

_ The sky was torn in two and Ford stood in a burning field, watching his surroundings go up in smoke. He could feel the heat of flames on his face, hear his family crying out somewhere in the distance (was that Stanley? Dipper? Mabel?) but his limbs felt like lead, trembling from Bill’s electrical torture, and he couldn’t run to them. The heat was everywhere, it was suffocating it was-- _

His eyes flew open as someone flicked the light on.

“W-What?” he stuttered, taking in the change in surroundings. Gone were the flames, the shouting, his exhausted frailness; he was just sitting up in his bunk, hyperventilating slightly.

“You didn’t seem like you were doing so good,” came Stanley’s voice, and Ford could make out his blurry shape standing over by the lightswitch and making a motion to sit at the table.

“...Ah,” he said quietly, grabbing his glasses from the cubby in the wall that kept them nearby even when he slept. Meant to quell his nervousness about needing to get up and run, it had been a very intentional placement. “I hope I didn’t wake you…” he added as he pushed them up his nose and turned to face his brother, who shrugged.

“I’m sorry, Stanley.”

“Hey, don’t apologize Sixer, if you’re having a rough night you’re having a rough night.”

_ Except you’ve been through about as much as I have,  _ Ford thought, biting his lip,  _ but we’re yet to see the reverse of this… _

“You wanna talk?” Stanley asked, and Ford hesitated. He gave him a softer look in response. “I’m not saying you have to, okay? Just that it’s an option now.”

It was, wasn’t it? That was still new to him. Still very, very new. But seeing as not communicating so well had spelled disaster for them 40 years ago, maybe it was time to remember it. The last thing Stanford wanted to lose was their second chance. Healthy opening up was probably something he needed to learn to do.

“I--” he began, then realized he had absolutely no idea where to start. He choked on his own words, freezing up, his mind drawing a complete blank and his face burning with shame over it.

His brother gave him a patient look, apparently at least taking in and interpreting his expression, and grabbing a soda can to pop open as he settled in to listen.

“Stanley,” he finally managed, “If we hadn’t -- if  _ you  _ hadn’t…. everyone would’ve……. the  _ kids _ would have………. it’d be all my  _ fault…” _

“No…” Stan said slowly, choosing his words very carefully after lowering his soda can, “It’d be  _ Bill’s  _ fault.”

“I listened to him!”

“And then you didn’t, the minute you figured out what he was doing, and look who came out on top.”

“But what if we hadn’t? What if I wasn’t strong enough and he’d tortured the secret out of me, what if he’d killed Dipper or Mabel, what if we’d won but your memory was gone for--"

“--But none of those things  _ did  _ happen, Poindexter.”

They sat there in silence for a few moments, Ford amazed by Stanley’s patience with him and well aware his face still pricked red with shame.

“I still put everyone in danger,” he said, finally.

“You kinda put yourself through a lot too, it wasn’t your plan. I don’t think anyone blames you.”

“Bill.... Bill kept saying I was the one who made his plans possible. And I  _ was _ , and you all could have _ died  _ because of it but instead of being rightfully angry you  _ forgave  _ me.”

“Yeah, ‘cause we care about you. And ‘cause that asshole was exaggerating. If he hadn’t used you, he’d have found someone else. In fact…” Stanley paused, giving Ford a meaningful look, “...I’d say we’re pretty damn lucky the guy he picked was willing to go everything he did to try to stop him.”

Ford felt the corners of his eyes starting to prick with what were probably tears. He hoped they’d retreat quickly. Partially because the part of him that kept whispering he deserved everything done to him was bubbling up in response.

Stanley either didn’t notice the chinks in his emotional wall or decided to keep chipping at them, because he continued. “He put you through hell and you still put  _ us  _ first. Of course we don’t blame you.”

Awkwardly, Ford shuffled his feet against the floor instead of responding. He was slightly scared if he said anything, his voice would betray him and crack. His brother looked at him with eyes full of concern, and Stanford slightly regretting saying anything at all. What had he been thinking? He was terrible at this, he’d always been terrible at this. Emotions were not his native language, no matter how much he might try or think they should be. He didn’t know what to say anymore, and the shame was constricting tightly in his chest. So much for trying.

“There are better people to care about,” was all he ended up mumbling.

“ _ Stanford _ ,” his brother scolded, and Ford actually winced at the force in his voice. Here it came. 

But his words surprised him.

“You’re either being a hypocrite on purpose or you’re the world’s dumbest genius,” Stanley said, lifting himself out of his chair and setting down his soda can to join Ford on the bunk.

“What?” he asked, confused. “Why?”

“Ever since my memories started flooding back you’ve been babbling about what I did for you guys, how I ‘saved you all’ and junk and oughta stop being so hard on myself so I think I’m worth something, and here you are doing the exact damn thing you want me not to.”

“Except  _ I’m  _ the reason you had to do it in the first place!” Ford said. “I-if my mistakes had doomed you, I don’t think I could--”

“--live with yourself?” Stanley said wryly, and Ford stopped to look at him. He had a melancholy grin on his face. “Gee,” he continued, “Thinking you messed everything up for someone, that they’re in a terrible situation because of you… wonder what that feels like.”

“Stanley, I--”

“--I’ve been there, okay Sixer? Exactly there. You’re not the only one who can beat himself up over this kind of thing. The night that… well, you know... I felt  _ awful _ . But carrying that kind of thing around isn’t good for you. I don’t want to see you do it either.”

Ford sighed. “And I can’t understand why.”

“You don’t have to understand it! Maybe that’s one reason I wrapped my head around the whole thing a lot quicker, I’m used to not understanding stuff. But I wonder if your big brain might be doing a little too much thinking.”

He open his mouth to say something in response, but nothing came.

“You can logic your way through a lot of things, Ford, and I know you try to. But people caring about you isn’t really one of them. We just… do.”

Stanley gently wrapped an arm around him, pulling Ford close as he rubbed his shoulder in a gesture of comfort. Ford let himself lean into his brother slightly, still a bit taken by surprise at receiving  _ any  _ kind of physical affection again after a long, long time. But it meant a lot.

“Don’t think too hard about it, okay? I know that’s your thing but… especially if you’re not feeling so great about yourself in the first place…”

“So you want me to just… accept it?”

“Wild idea, huh? Look I gotta work on some of this stuff too, but… baby steps. And the one thing I  _ can _ tell you is that letting some people in that want to help you can start making dents in that self-esteem stuff. It’s not gonna get much better if you only ever argue with yourself about it.”

“When did you get so insightful?”

“Heh, mostly from living it.”

“...I haven’t exactly let myself do that, have I?”

“No, but you haven’t had the best chance to either. And it’s pretty nerve-wracking. I don’t blame you. I’m here to help if you wanna give it a try, though.”

Ford smiled at him softly. “We’re just planning all kinds of adventures now.”

“Yeah, and I’ll drag you into this one too, if it’ll help.”  
  
“I think it just might.”

**Author's Note:**

> The Soul has Bandaged moments -  
> When too appalled to stir -  
> She feels some ghastly Fright come up  
> And stop to look at her
> 
> -Emily Dickinson


End file.
